Thursday, June 26, 2014

... 'cuz I'm lonely and I'm blue, I need you - and your love too ...

McLain and I adopted Yankee a few months ago, and I am totally in love with my sweet beastie. I hate disciplining him, want to snuggle with him at all opportunities, and we are mostly inseparable. Yankee sees me as a 'senior pack member' rather than the alpha - which means I get to spoil him. He only occasionally tries to bend the rules. He's a wuss when it comes to exercise and tries to eat fireflies. I can't convince him to swim. He knows when I feel crappy and nuzzles me. He has the softest ears. He gooses house-guests and loves bath-time. One the rare occasion when he is really bad, he gets sprayed with citronella from his 'jackass collar'. It works out.

However - because my dog is so roguishly handsome (and people apparently have never seen a Dane ... ever) I get a LOT of attention when I take him in public. So much so that people will interrupt private conversations I am having with people to approach me about my dog. Rude. I usually get one or more of the following comments and questions from people that are irritating and ... dare I say it ... foolish.

Such as -

Do you need a saddle for that thing? Oh! You are quite the wit! I've never heard that before!

Have you ever tried to ride it? No, I have not tried to ride my dog. I actually care about his health and ability to ... live.

How much for a ride? I sincerely hope you are talking about my dog. And no. Just no.

What does he eat? What he wants/can get. Babies! I mean, you try fishing something outta his mouth he's gotten hold of! Actually, he eats dog food. He also likes raw veggies. If you leave something in reach (he has a long reach) and unattended, he eats that too. He does, however, let me take things out of his mouth if he has something he shouldn't.

How much does he eat? Must be expensive. Enough. And he is less expensive to feed per month than my geriatric cat. Leaf is an expensive 'free cat'.

Don't trust that cat, it's sketchy as hell.

How much does he weigh? Within 10lbs of me. Don't ask about that number.

Why don't you breed him? Well, he has no testicles. And because we don't want to contribute to puppy mills. And he's not breed-standard. 

Aren't those dogs aggressive?
No more than any other breed. It's in the nurturing. And this guy? Total chicken. Unless you are a couch pillow. This is what happens to unattended couch pillows when my people watch Dr. Who ...

Aren't those dogs stupid? Are your children stupid? Because they are tall and stuff. Or your spouse? Because he/she has big ears and a big grin. No. Danes are not stupid. They are stubborn. Like me.

He must have huge poop. Yes. He does. It may have something to do with the fact that his digestive tract is about the size of a person's, as he is about the size of a person. Excellent thinking, Sherlock.

Why is he wearing a muzzle? It is a halter, not a muzzle. It's to help him not pull me over when he sees chickens, couch pillows, or squirrels. But good on you for noticing and asking BEFORE you started petting him!

What's wrong with his leg?
It's a lick granuloma that is over inflamed scar tissue. We are taking care of it in the vet-recommended fashion. Yep - it's gross. No, it doesn't hurt. 

Does he shed? Yes. Large tumble-furs. Daily.

How did he get so big?  Genetics? Drinking too much Hartwell water? You pick.

I bet the could take my dog in a fight. Me too. That is, if your poorly-socialized creature actually pissed him off, and then I let our dogs bicker. But I don't think we should let that happen. In fact, I'm moving to the other side of the dog park, as your dog seems to not deal with large dogs well ...

Will he hurt my kid? Is your kid a couch pillow, chicken, squirrel, or stuffed hedgehog? Or is your kid causing my dog physical pain? No? Than no. Yankee may try to cuddle your progeny, but evisceration will not occur.

Conclusion - people react to Danes in much the way they react to cats in the following xkcd comic ...



  1. Hahaha girl I got a good laugh out of this post! I have an oversized 110lb Golden Retriever, and when we go for walks people look at me like I am walking an alien! And he is obsessed with stuffed hedgehogs!! I have to keep about 5 in the closet just so we never run out!! Maybe we should have a doggy play date and really get some looks!
    Ps. I hope this comment doesn't post 5 times.. I was struggling to get it posted lol!

  2. Yes ma'am! I'll even attempt to be cute for the occasion :)

  3. I wonder where anyone would ever get the idea that Danes are aggressive. They're so big it woudl take MONUMENTAL effort to kick up a fuss about ANYTHING.

  4. My parents have a Dane and it gets the same kind of attention! He is mostly around children and so we also get the question "Can you fit your head in his mouth?"