Tuesday, March 6, 2012

" ... and honey, you know me, it's all or none ... "

Something I saw, and needed to share.

Because it is honestly and simply perfect. 


The Uses of Sorrow (Mary Oliver)

(In my sleep I dreamed this poem)

Someone I loved once gave me
a box full of darkness.

It took me years to understand
that this, too, was a gift.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

… you make the rockin’ world go ‘round …

There I was, in Coffee Underground, typing on my prone-to-die laptop. I‘m drinking tea made in a teapot shaped like an elephant, on a red velvet antique sofa. It is five minutes after the race began, and I feel like a putz.

Why? Because, yet again, I set an ambitious goal and prevented myself from doing it. I tried really, really hard. And then I made myself hate running. Really loathe it. And do you do things you hate HATE hate doing? No. So could I do my 10K today? No. Physically unable to run the whole thing without stopping (my goal). And that, in that moment, it made me rather irritated at myself. I’m mad because I want to finish a race, I want to reach my goals and I want to do it fast. And I’m just not a person who gets things or achieves things quickly or easily.

And now - lesson learned, maybe for good this time. Slow and steady and … something. I’ll modify and adjust. And I will make myself love running again, because honestly I need to (what a functional relationship!).

I hit a wall with my reading goal – Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses was miserable going for me. Just plain horrid. I understand that some books are just difficult but I found very little enjoyment in 90% of this book. To be fair, it wasn’t chosen for enjoyment purposes – I chose it for the controversy and drama. Murders, bombings, and protests happened because of this book (links about the real life drama, in detail, are at the end). That made it somewhat attractive. How could this NOT be a good book? Answer is – it is a very interesting work. It has nice pieces to it, and has some charming short stories near the end. The rest is confusing and like a vivid, crazy, waking dream. Which was likely the point, as one – arguably both – of the main characters are quite insane.  The biggest ‘take-away’ was the argument that people mold the concepts of ‘God’ and ‘religion’ into forms that allow them to harm others and excuse their own actions. And I can’t wholeheartedly disagree. I’ve seen it happen. And what’s worse – it shows the people who decide to do this as crazy, amoral, monstrous. And I still can’t wholeheartedly disagree. Honestly, I’ve never finished a book and been happier to put it down, but it did lead to some related philosophizing, which isn’t a bad thing. If you’re interested in further discussion, mention it in the comments.

But, to round things out, I’ve had a lot of new experiences since my last post, learned a lot, I’m waiting on more contact from folks with an exciting employment opportunity or two, and overall I’m making healthy choices mentally and physically.  At least, trying to. I’ve been caffeine free for 6 days. Niffer challenged me on my sweetener usage – and that’s gone too.  None for 6 days. And I haven’t been missing it so far. So really, I don’t lack dedication for things, just for my running shoes. Which will get fixed. Today.

C and I have been watching The Italian Job today, which brings me to the definition of ‘fine’. Freaked out. Insecure. Neurotic. Emotional. It’s a good joke, and makes people giggle because it’s true. When have you been ‘fine’ because that’s what people needed to hear? Is that really the best use of yourself, your energy, your unique self? Is there a better way to be then proclaiming that you’re ‘fine’ when you aren’t? I generally avoid the word ‘fine’ because of this movie. But I still cover up a lot. How much of that is learned, and how much is really OK?

Less giddy joy and information, more rambling about my little, silly life.

Doesn’t this look fun? EtB videos – http://www.youtube.com/user/shaugran?feature=watch

Song I’ve had on repeat this week - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_4utiBscIE