Monday, November 28, 2011

... storm warning ...

Wow. No post Sunday because Sundays are usually my ‘unplug, relax, unwind’ day. I usually use Sundays as a day to fill up my ‘love list’ and reflect on all the lovely things that I get to see and experience. This Sunday that didn’t quite happen.

The toilet happened. As one of my somewhat dramatic friends put it, the EXPLODING TOILET. No actual explosions, of course. A simple, $5 dollar fix. One piece from Lowe’s. No big deal. But it started an itch in my brain that is hard to scratch. The one that makes me question homeownership. For example – I need to re-carpet the whole townhouse, from stem to stern. It needed new carpet when I moved in a few years ago. Carpet isn’t cheap. Neither are any other flooring options. I do not have the funds to carpet the house. And it needs doing. But I’m not very motivated to do it, because to be honest, carpet is boring. Touch up paint – easy. I can do that over break. But then there’s the kitchen …sigh. I have PICKLED PINE (so ugly) cabinets, blueish strange Formica countertops, and odd brownish floors. With the dingy white paint, the inner decorator in me has been having a fit. So, I should paint. BUT no one color goes with all these odd shades. And I can paint the cabinets, but that leaves the counter tops and the ugly flooring. And I can’t pay for the flooring, so that means I have to fix the countertops somehow. But I can’t PAINT the countertops like I’ve seen on Pinterest because they are KITCHEN countertops with heat and knives and needing to be bleached multiple times daily. And even if I repaint, what will protect the back-splash? So what started as a hypothetically simple paint job has now turned into a desire to re-countertop and decoratively backsplash my kitchen. Which I can’t do. Because I need carpet. Boring gray carpet. Being a grownup makes my head hurt.

After being irritated at life, the universe, and everything for a few moments, I picked myself off my butt, dusted myself off, and proceeded to endeavor to make my day awesome. And I succeeded somewhat, with some Winnie the Pooh and conversations about undergarments with my roommate. And some odd scifi television.

Fast forward to today - setting the alarm to pm, waking up an hour late, bad hair day, Monday, rain, being off-kilter at work, sticking my foot so far in my mouth it ... well. 

As I sit here in Coffee & Crema, after finishing a worksheet off the clock, staring off into the dreary (very British) rain, sipping my really caffeinated beverage, I began to wonder how much of my tendency to try and love on people is really me being outwardly affectionate and how much is a way for me to compartmentalize by fixing other people’s woes. I can shove almost any feeling away when I have another person’s problems on my back – and it makes me feel more settled and less awkward. People also almost unilaterally accept people who fix problems, so why not be a cuddler, a problem solver, a fixer? This seems to go well, unless I do the quintessentially Liz thing of doing something ungracious, selfish, pig-headed, and just foot-in-mouth-worthy. Like today at work, last night with a friend, this morning on the phone. For some reason, I hate thinking that I give people less-than-perfect moments.  Which may be why when I finally have to face things that bother me, I collapse and have a ‘give-a-damn’s-busted’ day on my sofa in sweats.

Wisdom comes from strange places. Tall, handsome, dancers who tell you to start relaxing and caring less. A redheaded former roommate who corner you with the truth that they love you, and that hating yourself for things out of your control is wrong. A broad shoulder you’re resting on telling you to ask for what you need. A perky professor yelling, “process not product” at the top of their lungs. A five-year old realizing the need to love others, and getting excited about that responsibility.

It’s strange to think about sunflowers on a day like today, perhaps. Secretly, I’ve always wanted to surprise me with a sunflower. For ridiculous and purely sentimental reasons, purple irises top them as my favorite. But sunflowers have a unique and beautifully inspiring trait – they seek the sun.  They follow the course of the sun across the sky, reaping as much as they possibly can. They are annuals, but they soak up so much sun and warmth during their short lives. They are the embodiment of joy and positivity. Or maybe someone slipped something in my coffee. Quite possible, seeing as these musings are coming from a girl who believes that Pacifica has found a way to bottle uber-delight, sunny days, and happiness in their Blood Orange roll-on scent. And thinks that following the directions in this song would be an ideal conflict resolution strategy in a serious relationshi... we could argue and fuss all night, but I propose ...

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